New Job!

It feels like the last month or so has gone by in a blur. I've been dealing with the transition of moving from a that job I love to an exciting job that I hope to love just as much; particularly sleepless children and everything else! Meanwhile poor Stuart has been trying to finish his 20,000 word dissertation.

Saying goodbye to Credo has been sad, I had a fun lunch with staff and a goodbye 'moment' at the Credo Partners jazz night. It was awesome to see 'old' grads from when I was a student to recent grads from the last few years. Thanks everyone who came and said goodbye and thank you!

Working for Barneys has been hectic, after 3 weeks of only working one day a week there is a backlog of stuff that I feel like I haven't caught up on because there's always new stuff to do! Add to that the general challenge of learning new things and moving our services to a brand new building, it's no wonder I collapse in a heap after the boys are put to bed.

If only they would stay in bed...

Aston and Stuart rehearsing with the band in the new Barneys building

Zachariah exploring mummy's new office

 

Roommates

It's 630pm and my two little boys are fast asleep. In the same room! 

In the last month or so we decided to take advantage of the various sleep disruptions over the holidays and move Zachariah into Aston's room. I didn't think they would go to sleep so easily though.

They shared a room at Nana's over Christmas and didn't bother each other too much. I think Zach enjoyed the extra room in the portacot, he's been a bit unsettled and harder to put to sleep in his bassinet since we got home. Tonight I wrapped him, put him the portacot in his new room and he went to sleep all by himself.

Aston has been a nightmare lately, he's dropped his daytime sleep but gets so tired and cranky in the afternoon. Today he had an early bath and dinner and was in bed by 545! Hopefully he won't wake up too early in the morning and both boys sleep well through the night.

Aston learns to sleep

I thought after my last post I'd come back and update you on Aston's sleeping progress, amazingly he is doing really well! He now goes to sleep most nights within 10mins of being put in his cot without crying and sleeps until 5-7am! It's still quite strange but really nice.

So, what did we do?

I'd worked out quite a while ago that Aston's main issue was based around his sleep association with breastfeeding - basically, he didn't know how to go to sleep unless he was feeding. This meant I was feeding him to sleep, putting him in his cot and leaving the room without him realising. Every time he woke during the night he would freak out because mummy had disappeared, he was alone in the dark and couldn't get back to sleep without a breastfeed. To add to the problem this also meant he was afraid to go to sleep or be alone in his cot awake because every time he went to sleep mummy disappeared. This meant bedtimes were often 1-2 hours of crying, multiple breastfeeds and frantic rushing about (he refused to stay still) until he would eventually fall asleep on the breast completely exhausted, only to wake a few hours later crying for a feed.

After reading a number of books and websites, I tried so many different things to try and calm him before bedtime and stop him needing to breastfeed to sleep, a few methods would work for a little while but soon he would regress again. We got to the point where I was willing to give up on all my ideals and just let Aston cry himself to sleep.

Enter 'Dreambaby Guide' - I had seen the author Sheyne Rowley on Sunrise and she hadn't impressed me all that much but she made great claims about teaching babies to sleep without using controlled crying. I checked out her website, again, not terribly impressive but i decided to borrow her book from the library and see what she had to say.

The book is quite thick, possibly because she often repeats herself but I did manage to find a few things in it that seemed to make sense. The basic methodology is here. We haven't followed her method to the letter, her focus on routine is very strict and just doesn't fit into our way of life and I'm not convinced by a lot of the things she has to say about food and restricting breastfeeding.

We spent a few weeks (as long as it took to read the book) doing our homework which included:

• Using preemptive language and developing cues for Aston eg. "very soon it will be time to change your nappy/go to sleep in your cot" etc, being careful to use the same words every time ie. not "change your nappy' one day and then "get clean pants on" the next so Aston always knows what's happening next and doesn't get upset because he's happy playing and I pick him up and dump him on the change table with no warning.
• Developing independent play - helping Aston learn it was ok for him to be by himself in the cot or just playing with his toys. I use the cue "I'll be back" before I leave the room so he knows I am leaving and will come back. We spent time with him playing in his cot and leaving him for longer periods of time on his own.
• Creating a new bedtime routine, before each sleep we have a breastfeed, read some stories, (at nighttime we pray) in the lounge room then we go into Aston's room with the light off, shut the door, sing "Jesus loves you", put him in his cot, say our sleepy cues "close your eyes and go to sleep, mummy and daddy love you, nigh night Aston" then I (or Stuart) leave the room and shut the door.
• We also have a wake up routine, this helps to lessen confusion about when it's time to get up so Aston knows he won't be taken out of the cot every time he cries. He only gets to leave the cot after mummy says "Good sleeping Aston" and he plays on his own with his toys for a little while. (There are always exceptions of course but this is the general rule.)
  
• We role played his new routine with a teddy twice a day for a week, again so Aston was aware of what was happening and got used to the new routine.

Then we put it all into practice. I was surprised the first time we tried at how much crying there was, on my first reading of the book Sheyne made it sound so simple and easy, so i read the sections on crying again and reading between the lines realised I should have expected it. However, talking to others who have used controlled crying, the amount of crying we experienced was minimal. Throughout it all I was fairly confident that Aston knew what was going on and didn't feel abandoned by Stuart and I but it was still hard to hear him cry.

This article by Sheyne was quite helpful in putting crying in perspective. She says that as parents we need to teach our children that it's ok to express themselves and to deal with their emotions, if we run to them every time they cry they learn that they can't cope with life unless mummy and daddy are there to help, or that they shouldn't express themselves when they feel upset or angry because somehow it's wrong to cry. On the other hand if we leave them to cry when they are very distressed or hurt then this makes them feel abandoned and alone. It's all about assessing why and how they are crying and determining what to do next.

So almost three weeks after we have started this adventure, it seems to be working, the first night, involved about and hour of crying before Aston fell asleep and a few sessions of 10min crying throughout the night. Over the weeks the initial crying has gone and Aston can put himself to sleep easily. We've had a few nights of wake ups in the early hours of the morning, we've found that Sheyne's method of letting Aston cry and repeating his sleepy words doesn't seem to work - I think, despite what she says that he is genuinely hungry. When it does happen I've been giving him a breastfeed and putting him in his cot awake and he seems a lot happier. However for the past three or four nights he hasn't woken up and I'm hoping that will continue.

Now to find an appropriately cute photo to add to this post :-)

Sleep Baby Sleep

Tonight we have begun 'Operation Sleep Through the Night' in an attempt to get Aston, who is now one, to sleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch. Over the past year I have a lot of time to think about, research and observe baby sleep, something I didn't think I would ever need to do.

I've been trying to work out why it's such an issue, talk to any parent and they will tell you about the stresses and guilts that surround every thought and every conversation they have about how well or not so well their baby is sleeping. I'm not sure why it has become such a big issue in our western world.

It is one of the first questions you are asked when you reveal you have a small child who has just entered into the world. 'Is he a good baby?' 'Does he sleep well?' This is always followed by the slight pause where I try and decide if it's better to lie, downplay the fact that Aston doesn't sleep, or use his sleeplessness to extract pity and sympathy from whoever I'm talking to. If that person has a child of similar age it often feels as though there is some sort of competition to determine whose baby is the best or worst sleeper, (both of these positions gain points in someone's world but you earn no points for being somewhere in the middle).

As you are barely functioning in a sleep deprived haze, trying to cope with the pressure (or more often in my case, perceived pressure) of others expectations, you turn to the professionals for advice. Dr Sears, Pinky Mckay, Tizzie Hall, Elizabeth Pantley, Sheyne Rowley and more. Instead of clearing the haze, confusion and guilt, often this just adds to it. You should let your baby cry, you should never let your baby cry, co-sleeping is good, co-sleeping is bad, don't breastfeed your baby to sleep, do breastfeed your baby to sleep... And then there are the very helpful people who say it doesn't matter what you do, just do what's right for you and your baby. Um, hello, I was looking for help because I don't know what's right!

Having arrived at the point where we decided crying is not the way we want Aston to remember being put to sleep I believe we have tried almost everything. A belief that is reinforced every time I find a new baby sleep site online that tells me to: play music, co-sleep, put him in the cot awake, rock him to sleep, let him cry for 5mins, give him a bedtime routine, make sure he naps well during the day, etc etc.

One thing I do need to say before I go on is something most of the above experts agree on, despite the pressure you get from others, your baby's sleeping habits are not a problem unless you think they are. If you and our baby are able to cope with waking at night, co-sleeping, rocking to sleep or any other thing someone else thinks is 'wrong' then you don't have a problem. Unfortunately we have come to a place where we can not cope.

Tonight we started Sheyne Rowley's DreamBaby method, it's based on communication and seems to make sense, although following her method to the letter means a very strict sleeping and eating routine. She claims her method is not a 'crying method' but it does involve some crying, the difference being the amount of 'homework' done beforehand in order to establish boundaries, clear expectations, independence and confidence in your baby before leaving them to cry alone in their cot.

According to her definitions Aston cried 'angry', 'calling out' and 'settling' cries for around an hour before finally falling asleep. At appropriate moments I 'attended' to let Aston know that he was ok and I am confident he can fall asleep on his own. He missed 2 'sleep buses'* before finally catching a 3rd one and falling asleep. He woke an hour after falling asleep, cried an 'angry' cry for around 5 mins which became a 'calling out' cry for 2 mins until he caught the partial waking 'sleep bus' and required no 'attendance' from mummy. He has now been asleep for another hour or so since then.

Will it work? Who knows, I'm hoping and praying it does... I'll try and remember to keep you posted...

*Sheyne says when a baby is trying to self settle to sleep there will be brief periods of 3-8mins where it is easier for them to get to sleep. If they miss that 'bus' they need to wait 20 mins or so for the next bus to come before they can fall asleep.